“Peace, of course, is different from divorce;
indeed, in essential respects, divorce is the opposite of peace.
And oh what a truth that is.
I was just saying to someone the other night; “If I’d had
the understanding of divorce that I do now (early 1 year into my divorce!), I
like to believe I would have played things out differently.” It was a throw
away comment and probably one made mostly for my kids’ sake, would I have
stayed longer? Made their life easier for them? Now I know that life is so less
complicated when you’re still together as a family unit... Would that have impacted
things for me? The “stay together for the kids” line, makes a lot more sense,
now.
But truthfully, even if I had known, I probably wouldn’t
have stayed. And there is one reason for that, I call him Bull.
Bull is a man that I met while I was married, and instantly
my life got turned upside down. I know this sounds sappy and lame, but I
remember the first time we met in person, feeling my heart RACE, kissing him, feeling
him… it was not the same as anything I’d felt before. I am a realist so don’t
get me wrong, there was an element of romance and excitement drawn from the
fact that we were having an affair – it’s exciting in its own right. But more
than that, he woke me up to the word. Almost like I was walking around blindly
before and he snapped me out of it and made me aware of myself.
I’ll explain further later.
Bottom line is, I don’t condone affairs. In fact, I truly
and deeply wish that I had met Bull in an entirely different scenario.
(Interestingly though, the more open you are when talking of affairs, the more
you find that they happen so very often). Never the less, it’s funny because as
life starts to build and unfold after an affair, you realise just how
complicated it is.
For many, I think this time; when the ex-wife is at your
neck and the friends are finding out the “truth”, and the kids are trying to reconcile life, two homes,
a new ‘parent’, everything just explodes at once. Emotions are high it’s a time
of relationship weakness and exposure and certainly a time where love doesn't rise above and conquer all.
I suppose I didn't think of it too much while it was
happening, but my gut told me at the time that Bull was entirely different to
anyone I’d ever been with before. But, let’s face it, my real adult sample size
was pretty much one – my husband who I married at eighteen.
If I could explain my ex husband in computer speak, he is PC
Bull, my new partner, is MAC
What’s strange is that my old life wasn’t bad. In fact there
were plenty of great things about it. But I was numb. Mr Ex didn’t drive me to
do anything more. He said yes to most things I asked. He accepted the status
quo rather than challenging.
For me, I was so young and naive that his total and complete
acceptance of me allowed me to form bad behaviours. In doing some recent
research on habits, by way of “Better than Before” by Gretchen Rubin, I’ve established
that I am an Obliger.
Upholder—accepts rules,
whether from outside or inside. An upholder meets deadlines, follows doctor’s
order, keeps a New Year’s resolution. I am an Upholder, 100%.
Questioner—questions rules and
accepts them only if they make sense. They may choose to follow rules, or not,
according to their judgement.
Rebel—flouts rules, from
outside or inside. They resist control. Give a rebel a rule, and the rebel will
want to do the very opposite thing.
OBLIGER (ME!)—accepts outside
rules, but doesn't like to adopt self-imposed rules.
Mr Ex, I am quite confident is an Upholder. Do you take one
person who is an Upholder (just follows through on everything) and put them
with an Obliger (who needs people to need her to do anything for her to do it),
and what ends up is me, he obliger not growing and developing because no one
expects me to.
And Mr Ex, doesn't expect me to because he is an Upholder.
Therefore, as an upholder, you just grow, change, follow through and develop
because that’s what Upholders do.
Now, I am with Bull, who is a questioner. Result = he
expects me to change. Or, he might not expect me to change, but he questions
everything I do, when I can’t find the “right” answer, the obliger in me feels
like I’ve let him down, so I go seek answers on how to fix it… in turn
bettering myself.
It’s amazing, but I feel unstuck. To some degree it makes the Divorce Pain worth it. My oxygen mask is going on first. I am, as painful and difficult as it is for me, looking after myself first.
Today I met with Mr Ex. I mourn the loss of him. Because he
was such a HUGE part of my life and he will remain in my life but his
involvement will lessen and as there was no real tangible reason to end our marriage,
I mourn the loss.
For a time I compared my two relationships, because my relationship
with Mr Ex was simple. My relationship with Bull, is bull like. Full of high
and low points. I could't reconcile the difference.
Stepping aside from the relationships though, when I look at
myself now, NOW I feel like I am a better person. Being out of the mundane
routine and questioning things has made me have to grow and change and makes me
experience more fulfilment from my life.
I have more uncomfortable moments with Bull than I ever had
with Mr Ex, which at times makes me perceive my relationship with Bull as "more difficult". But while at times I get a feeling of unrest, large and by I know
that my life is elevating because Bull does challenge me, question me and
inspire me. With so few limitations, he feels the sky is the limit and he lifts
me there along with him.
So while I may be out of my comfort zone, and sometimes feel anxious, I am happy I am.
“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person
Here’s why you should fall in love with someone who exhilarates
you (from http://elitedaily.com/women/the-beauty-of-falling-in-love-with-someone-who-makes-you-a-better-person/) :
1. They introduce you to things you’ve never imagined
It’s a big, big world
out there, filled with crazy stuff like The World at Dubai and beer-flavored jelly beans and so much more that we can’t
discover it all on our own. Someone who inspires you brings a sense of awe into
your life, even when it’s as small as showing you the secret spot for the best
wings in the city.
2. They motivate you to do better
They will push you to be
a better person without directly putting pressure on you. Your partner serves
as the best incentive to transcend your limitations. When you’re ready to give
up, it’s important to have a supporting person to get you back on track.
3. They are profoundly interesting
This is the person you
can lie across the couch with, talking all day and never running out of things
to say. They possess this otherworldly knowledge that’s enlightening and
captivating at the same time. Who can resist a guy who can pontificate on
European history just as easily as he can show you the sites?
4. They make you feel fulfilled
You won’t feel like
you’re missing out on something or that anything greater can come along.
Everything you need is right in front of you, which is really the beauty of
falling in love with someone who inspires you. They make you realize that you
have all the capabilities of finding self-satisfaction.
5. They make you dream bigger
When you connect with
this person, their investment in you means that you will be motivated to
constantly strive to go beyond what you think you are capable of. Being with
this person makes you feel like you can do anything, escape to anywhere,
conquer whatever you set out to do. It’s an unexplainable high every time.
6. They help you achieve your goals because they understand
their importance to you
This person isn’t going
to hold you back from anything. If you want to sign up for a new class or check
out the latest live music, they won’t stop you for selfish reasons. They
understand that your personal happiness is just as paramount as their own.
7. They bring excitement in your life
There’s no such thing as
a boring activity in your relationship — even if you’re spending the night in,
staying up watching a psychological thriller, or playing tease card games. This
person is inherently intriguing, which makes it easy to get lost in your days
together.
8. They challenge you
This person won’t “yes”
you when you ask them for an honest opinion. Take it as a sign that you hold
significance in their lives when they don’t let you get away with mediocrity.
This is someone who cares about you enough to tell you the hard truths that you
can’t tell yourself.
9. They make you realize how amazing you truly are
All this time you think
this person is flawless because they are a role model in your life, but in
reality, it’s what you also bring to the table that makes this other person
shine. They help you remember that you make a great team; it’s not a one-sided
relationship.
And if you are lucky
enough to find this person who so positively builds your confidence and sense
of self, then you are quite an inspiration to me.
